Wednesday, June 28, 2017

House of Cards - happening in real life too? (I wonder)

Orignally Published on Bonobology.com

http://www.bonobology.com/relationships/open-relationship/1073-claire-and-frank-underwood-and-the-relationship-they-share-in-house-of-cards

One of the most unconventional relationships on screen has become very popular. Are some of us actually living a House of Cards life today? How close is it to real life? Though not ideal, I’ve been told this kind of open arrangement does exist.
The line between good and evil is shrinking. It’s not black or white. How are Frank and Claire different from any couple? And how similar are they?
When Meechum, the president’s bodyguard who goes on to become a secret service agent, at the request of Frank Underwood, joined them for a threesome in bed, I was shocked and confused. Is this real, or is one of them imagining it? But it was indeed real. The interesting thing is, it never happened again on the show, it was only this once. I wondered if it would be awkward for them to meet and work together again, but the bond became stronger and Meechum is loyal, sacrificing his life for the president.
Though we could endlessly debate the president’s sexual preferences and brand them bisexual, how are they as husband and wife, as friends, as enemies, as two people living in a very unusual marriage? While many argue that they aren’t the ideal couple to follow, it still makes us think.
Claire Underwood, who comes across as extremely powerful and strong and someone who clearly knows what she wants, has a human side to her. She is vulnerable and deep down she too desires to be desired. She’s grown numb to her situation in the marriage, which is more a working partnership and less love. How many women actually choose LOVE over a working marriage? Is it common?
Because to go after love takes courage and while Claire doesn’t lack courage, she has too much at stake to give it all up for love.
But there is something fascinating about the two, the way they have shaped their marriage, with clarity in thought and actions. They have no time to cry over lost years of fertility, over fading youth, over people and friends who are not exactly how they seem, over things that don’t agree with their view of life, which is grand and not necessarily everyone’s idea of a marriage.
They are often shown running together, a sign they enjoy each other’s company, and make crucial decisions while running. Two people who will stand by each other, come what may. They know each other like a mother knows her children.
Lovers may come, lovers may go, but Frank and Claire will always be there for each other, even if it’s murder for benefits.
In one weak moment, Frank is shown on his workout bike and the next moment on the floor crying. It’s at such moments that a woman’s power shows. Claire picks up the crying man and undresses him and has powerful sex with him, the aftermath of which is a powerful looking Frank in his office all set to conquer the world. Good sex can do that to people, especially men, who equate a lot of things with performance in bed.
Complete transparency, which the two share, is another fascinating aspect. The First Lady’s affairs are OK with her husband. There is an almost irritating level of comfort towards the lover in later episodes; one wonders if they have any emotion at all. Being totally OK with the other’s lover and still being secure is not something that many people achieve. Be it the celebrity photographer or the more humble but deep, writer, Claire’s lovers have always been totally in love with her. It is unclear if Claire loves them or just uses them to satisfy a need.
Modern India also claims that open relationships are a done thing in many homes these days. I have my own doubts. Has one section of society evolved much more than the others?
But this relationship is not for everybody. In his own words, Frank cannot give the First Lady what she wants, and she has a big heart for more than just Frank. Their mutual acceptance of each other is sometimes admirable and sometimes pure evil. They could kill and not tell, they could talk without talking, they are each other’s biggest supporters, yet there is some resentment in Claire’s approach towards Frank. This is more like an ordinary wife, where she is devoted but resents him too.
So what’s the takeaway?
-   Undying support for each other’s dreams and aspirations
-   Look after your ambitions, and those of your partner too.
-   Stand for each other come what may
-   Be best friends at any cost
-   Be all right with any shortcomings the relationship may have.
-   Be attached and detached at the same time.
Whether you learn or not from them, just don’t kill anyone.

I do not adhere to a time table, nor should you!

Published originally on -
http://www.womensweb.in/2017/05/new-tanishq-ad-timetable-of-a-womans-life-offensive/

Is there a timetable of a woman’s life that we need to keep up with? No. That makes this ad by Tanishq irrelevant and offensive.
I will be 40 in a few months, and sorry to break the perfect bubble, but I don’t have most of the things that the new ad from Tanishq introducing its new colourful collection, speaks of.
Picture the scene. A birthday party for the 40-year-old lady in a perfect pink setting. The friends singing, evident things pointing out her age and remembering her perfect young waist size, and her then boyfriend and now husband, as in when they first met. Song goes on to list her age-appropriate achievements, her perfect kids, her perfect job and her perfectly rose painted cheeks go even more pink as her friends gift her a perfect colourful diamond set.
And everyone smiles including the husband who has just been called a well-trained husband. The ad ends up making you slightly irritated if not smiling or grinning, because guess what life is not a bed of roses.
Like any kid from the 90’s I grew up on a good dose of advertisements, which had perfect cozy homes, set in yellow light with white paint. Those picket-fenced lawns had a beautiful golden retriever and a lovely baby running after it. Sometimes it had hot jalebis, Rasna and Fanta’s or Pepsi or Maggie or Colgate as the background for these stories. Every set up was perfect; people were doing things assigned to their age. A young mother, a slightly white haired elegant grandmother, a beautiful kid who hugs and kisses his mother when he comes back from school or a husband with a handbag who has had a rough day at work, and needs a freshly brewed coffee, given by a young smiling chick, probably his wife.
And here we are 20 years later, still speaking of people and especially women who have to have certain things by a certain age.

Does it apply to all women? No!

I don’t have most of those things this new ad sings of.
It sings of a perfect friend circle – nope.
It sings of kids grown up, gone, and settled too. Relax but mine aren’t yet born.
It sings of a career where the lady is the boss and calls the shots. Well! Not either, cause, I freelanced and learnt music and yoga for most of my years when I was not in a job. So that means I couldn’t be making a steady successful career like the lady in the ad.
Her friends call her husband as well trained, now whatever that means, don’t even get me started on that.
The ad is extremely offensive in so many ways. And it shouldn’t be only me, it’s those many women I know who still have their song within, who have their unborn children in their womb for reasons they know best. Who don’t believe in training their spouses so that they can be of convenience to them?
Each time this ad comes on TV, it makes me squirm and cringe in my seat, and ask why God why, one more time. Why didn’t my life go according to the timetable? Finally one day, God answered, “Because I did not make this timetable, you guys did”.
To that, I would say, ‘fair enough’ and move on.

Life doesn’t always go according to plan!

On a more serious note, life doesn’t have to go according to a plan, or does it? If it does, great, but when it doesn’t such ads make you feel like the smallest person on earth.
Since when did our modern, empowered woman have to fit some ideal image of a success. If she is not working, she is not producing babies, if she is not doing the drill, what the hell is she doing? No birthday candles for her, no exclusive clothes designed for her, no designer handbags made for her grocery shopping sprees. No jewelry designed to celebrate her beauty in the ordinary life she leads. There is absolutely no product for the forgotten woman, who is not part of the main stream; who is not adding anyway to the economy. For God sake, she is not even buying nappies. Common, who doesn’t even do this much!
This woman, who has dreams bottled up inside her, who struggles to make it through one more day without seeing another ad trying to rub it in to her, that hey, “You didn’t make it!”
Not even friends and cousins think she deserves a return gift, at their kid’s birthday party. For all you know, this woman, spent more than half a day selecting the perfect gift for the child.
The reality of it is, many of us do feel left out in this race. Such in your face advertisements are a slap on the face of those many women. And it is indeed sending out a very regressive thought process of sticking to the “timetable”.

Women need to work and every woman-Period!

http://www.womensweb.in/2014/05/why-every-woman-needs-work/
Published on womens web a woman based portal. 

Why work is so important to a woman’s life and why every woman must try it to keep the smile on her face.
You are a total home-bird said my colleague in those days, during the very beginning of my career. Though I disagreed completely, I might have believed her down the lane.
Years later, after short stints of jobs and no steady career, I decided, maybe she was right. I loved my home. I loved my time alone, and I really loved my house neat and tidy. But though home was what I had settled for, I had this constant urge to express myself, to contribute, to make a difference in this world.

I know it sounds far-fetched and too philosophical, but I don’t think I should have bought into what my friend suggested. I clearly believed her judgment about me and accepted  myself as someone ‘homely’, but in a disempowering way.
Don’t we all do this? When we are too lazy to decide on what we want, we settle, for somebody else’s judgment of ourselves. I urge all women out there not to buy into an idea again. I want everyone to have their own ideas, besides what others have to say about them.
So when I was labeled homely, what did the world mean? Did it mean I was being bracketed as a cooking – baking machine type or as out-going, or as the go-getter? How many names? How many labels? There is no stopping. Open any weekly matrimonial ad supplement and all you find is people looking for labels. Homely v/s the career oriented, salaried or non-working, but why can’t I be both? I could be homely and have the passion to make a difference in the world, a drive to contribute my bit.
It was never necessary to conform, it was never a rule to follow any rules. You could be this and that, you could be everything you dreamt of. I am homely – it means I have good taste which reflects in the way I have done up my home. It certainly doesn’t mean I lack ambition or passion to do things outside of my home. That is why it is important that every woman has an occupation. Am I suggesting that everyone has a job?

What work does for a woman

I say No, a job is not a necessity, but work is, and here is why:
  • You feel productive, you feel useful, it feels like you matter. You could be knitting for your pregnant friends and who knows, tomorrow you could have your own knitting unit. But don’t do it for that – do it for the love of knitting.
  • To express yourself in this world is one of the best feelings you could ever have. You could be at any stage of life, you are a mother of two or three, or even four, but doing something that expresses the best in you will keep you in a good mood for a long time.
  • Doing something that you love, gives you a high. It promotes happy feelings and a new zest for life. Sure you are doing a great job with your home, but it is time to express that sheer genius beyond the four walls.
  • Because there is no perfect moment (after I am well-settled, after my children graduate, after I make my perfect house, after the world becomes nothing but a green alley). If you keep waiting for the perfect moment to express yourself, it will never come.
  • If you always wanted to start sharing your knowledge in dhokla-making, do it now. Because as you are thinking about it, someone is taking action, already. Yes, and that is how fast ideas come and go. Express yourself now.
  • Creativity bottled up, is energy blocked, which leads to frustration in every area of your life. So if you want to start putting your CA degree to use, start by managing some accounts for friends – most will be glad you took over.
  • I know you hear this everywhere, but work is indeed empowering for a woman. Don’t be scared of people who will tell you to take a back seat, and enjoy life, enjoy being around your children, enjoy being at home, enjoy peeling peas out of the pod. Of course you enjoy all that, but make sure to do some work for yourself, so that you don’t completely loose touch.
  • To top it all, to earn some moolah, is a great feeling; there’s no better high than to get paid for doing your best. People are waiting for you to take charge, they are waiting for you to do something incredible or equally mundane and also pay you for that.
  •  You feel useful. All of a sudden your life starts to matter to many people around. After a long time. Yes, it’s for that feeling too that you should work.
  • Last but not the least, do it for the love of it. Work is very fulfilling, and when we are content, we are happy, it’s easier to get through the days with a smile.
While we all could have our own lists on why we should totally work and rock, I would say, make your own list and put it up your favorite wall at home.



It can happen to anyone, have you got your Mammogram done yet?

(This was published in Womens Web. It is a woman based portal addressing what women like you and me would want to talk about) 

When mammograms are an effective way to detect breast cancer at an early stage, why do we avoid them? Learn why you should get yourself checked regularly.
When it comes to breasts, for most of the time, our thoughts don’t seem to go beyond a fancy under-wired lace bra, or which celebrity was seen flaunting hers recently! Yet, breasts are not decorative, and breast cancer is not uncommon at all. Breast health is as important as the health of any other part of your body.
breast-cancer-awarenessOctober is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. In an effort to raise awareness about breast cancer, and clarify the many doubts and misconceptions all of us have, Women’s Web presents a series of interviews with medical professionals all through October.

The first interview of this series focused on the basics of identifying the symptoms of and getting tested for breast cancer. You can also find our subsequent interviews on:
dr-kumar-deep-duttaIn the second interview of this series, we meet Dr. Kumar Deep Dutta, MBBS, M.D, a Delhi based Oncologist. Dr. Dutta underwent training in Medical Oncology from Tata Memorial Hospital, Mumbai and subsequently completed his DNB in Medical Oncology. He is a member of numerous scientific societies including the American Society of Clinical Oncology and European Society For Medical Oncology, and has authored several publications in peer-reviewed journals, as well as numerous abstracts.
In this discussion, he talks about mammograms, how they can help in early detection – and most importantly, why we should not fear them.
Are mammograms the most accurate way to detect breast cancer?  Also, are they the only way to detect? Please let us know if there are any alternatives.
Dr. Kumar Deep Dutta: No, mammograms are not the only way to detect breast cancer. Self-examination and clinical breast examination are very important tools – one is in early detection, and the other in between two mammograms.
We actually recommend MRIs also in younger patients, as the fatty tissues are more, making the breasts dense. In such cases an MRI is preferred. Out of every 1000 women scanned for breast cancer, there is a chance that 5.7 % to 8.8 % will be detected with some malignant tissue.
What is the ideal age for the first Mammogram?
Dr. Kumar Deep Dutta: There is no formal recommendation here in India, thus we follow the American Medical Association’s guidelines, which recommends 40 as the benchmark age. 40 as the age of starting mammography is also recommended by the American College of Radiology and the American Cancer Society. From the age of 40 onwards, a woman definitely needs to undergo an annual Mammogram.
Women who have a family History of breast cancer must take the test irrespective of their age. They could be as young as 28, but if there is a history of BRACA 1 or BRACA 2 in the family then it calls for a check up to begin with. Women with a family history of cancer should not wait for any external signs to go for a mammogram.
Women who have never borne children also come under a substantial risk and should not delay Mammograms.
As a doctor, what are the various barriers you have seen in people taking this particular test?
Dr. Kumar Deep Dutta: Mammograms are slightly painful; but the pain is worth taking. One barrier I feel, is fear of pain, and the fear of being diagnosed. Also, there are communication barriers, as in whom to talk to, what to ask, lack of knowledge and right guidance.
Most importantly, as a nation we are negligent towards our health. Often we are ignorant and don’t even bother to educate ourselves. Monetarily speaking, health insurance is availed by a very small percentage of people in our country and when such serious diseases occur, people are drained financially and emotionally too.
What would you say to women who are hesitant to go for the test? How can we encourage them to get tested?
Dr. Kumar Deep Dutta: All doctors vouch for early detection of cancer and a timely Mammogram or MRI can go a long way in saving lives. Also, I would reassure women, and tell them to please note – cancer does not mean a death sentence in today’s times.
I would say that go for annual mammograms to take health in your hands. Timely Mammography can reduce mortality (death) by 28- 45%. Also, it is important to know that not every lump found in a mammogram is necessarily malignant.
From our side, as a hospital we are increasingly conducting health awareness camps, in corporate campuses, apartment complexes, and villages too. There is every effort to educate the general population about the necessity of mammograms.
In your experience, have you seen an increase in breast checkups in women over time?
Dr. Kumar Deep Dutta: Yes, there is more awareness due to education, media exposure and celebrity news about recoveries. But I would like to add that close to a decade back, cardiac arrests were the most prevalent cause of mortality and today it is Cancer, among which breast cancer is on the rise.
There is nothing like early detection of cancer cells in which case, a small surgery could be enough. So please do not fear Mammograms or MRIs.
Doing the mammogram test or any other test doesn’t mean you will have to live with the Cancer if detected. With our advanced treatments, small surgeries could be more than sufficient. People are also scared of chemotherapy and radiation, which is why if detected early with a Mammogram, such serious medications can be avoided.
Women also feel that if they take a mammogram once and it is clear, they are safe. What is your advice in this regard? What are the follow-ups to be considered after a clear mammogram?
Dr. Kumar Deep Dutta: A mammogram is not a one-time affair. To study new developments in our body we must take these important tests regularly. Your first mammogram being clear doesn’t ensure a lifetime guarantee. The body changes and develops everyday.
When a woman gets a mammogram and the results show a likelihood of breast cancer, what can medical professionals do to help her deal with the news? Also, what would you suggest to family members at this stage? How can they help?
Dr. Kumar Deep Dutta: Women can be assured that not every suspected lump is a confirmed case of Cancer. It could be benign tissue, which is harmless and removable. But if biopsy confirms malignant growth then the case must go to a trained, experienced breast cancer specialist. Trained Specialists know how to handle sensitive diseases like breast cancer.
A positive and sensitive attitude in the family and doctor will help a lot.
Is a mammogram test meant for men too? What is the incidence of men with breast cancer, and what do they need to be aware of?
Dr. Kumar Deep Dutta: Yes, for every 100 cases of female breast cancer incidence there is one male case of breast cancer too. Male breast cancer constitutes 1.1% of total breast cancer cases
They need to be aware of the family history of cancer and report any abnormalities or changes in the chest area too. However, for males, mammography is not done as a routine.
As Dr. Kumar Deep Dutta highlights, fear of what a mammogram or other testing will reveal should not keep us from getting one done – after all, the chances are high that we can ensure our safety in this manner. Even if we do receive some unpleasant news, would we not rather have a smaller intervention at an early stage than a major one at a later stage? Think about it! Dr. Kumar Deep can be contacted at kumardeep.d@gmail.com

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